That’s the transition to expect from Institute to the first weeks of school. Seriously, unreal. I feel that even with the insane hours of work and stress and no sleep this summer, I was still not prepared for the chaos of my first solo flight as a first grade teacher.
I cry every day. Sometimes in front of the students. That needs to stop, like tomorrow.
My school is trying to help but some of the ways it is “helping” are hurting. We were supposed to have pre-written lesson plans for the first two weeks. I am receiving some of these plans from my grade team leader just 2-3 hours before they are to be implemented. The first three days of school I had absolutely no breaks from 7:30 to 2. I did not eat, I did not drink any water, I didn’t even pee. How can you teach like a champion when you can’t even take care of basic bodily needs? No wonder there are no unions in charter schools!
I know it has to get better. Right now I’m in a really bad place. But it has to get better. I am focusing on not beating myself up over things I can’t control, on taking care of my body so I can think better on my feet, and on allowing myself to love my students rather than yell at them because I can’t get this whole management thing right. I am focusing on not giving up. It’s hard because there are many at my school who are already suggesting it. I am focusing on remembering the things about my self and my life that used to make me a happy person. I am dedicating time to watching some form of television every night to take my mind off school just for an hour, so that maybe when I sleep I won’t have fever dreams about my living classroom nightmare.
I used to be so driven by the achievement gap, about how I was going to work hard and help my students close it. But I have no idea what I’m doing. It has to get better. It has to get better. It has to get better.
Note: How in any way are the tags Conversion of John Randolph of Roanoke, Turkish people, Roma, or Didem related to this post what-so-ever?!?!?!?!